Today, i would like to talk about single parents. I have nothing against being a single parent because i know it happens most times due to circumstances beyond their control.
There are various reasons why people become single parents; it could be as a result of one party's good or bad attitude. Or it may be that both parties are totally incompatitble. Whatever the case may be both parties agreed to go their seperate ways.
My point in this write-up is regarding the children. I have heard and seen various situations where the party with custody of the child(ren) isn't playing his/her part right. In a case where, single parents are bringing different men/women home on a daily basis is highly irresponsible. I do totally understand that a single parent will yearn for the company of a significant other but while doing this it is important that you realise that the child(ren) are going through a hard time dealing with their parents being separated.
Yes, you can meet up with a significant other without letting him/her into your home until you are sure he/she is the one you are going to be with. By doing this, you will save your child(ren) the stress of seeing up to 20 or more (Step fathers-to-be) and yet no father figure. It would also allow your kids to award you the respect that you deserve. Remember child(ren) see their parents as their role models so anything you do they copy. It would be bad if you make the same mistake twice so be responsible when making a second choice.
When choosing a significant other, be sure that he/she has the best interest of your child(ren) at heart, if you don't check this then you are being selfish. If you decide to be alone, then try your best to provide the best training for the kids.
To the party who doesnt have custody of the children. Regarding Child support - You don't need to be chased around by anyone for you to know that your child(ren)'s school fees or clothing allowance or feeding allowance need to be paid. I can imagine how Obama's Kenyan family feel right now (If only they had supported this man when he was growing up). Don't wait till your kids are Obama until you play your role in their lives. Children are a gift from God and it is your responsibilty to take care of them.
Your kids don't even see you because you just don't care. The only places they see you are in photographs or at other people's party. You don't even remember their birthdays not to talk of calling them to wish them a "Happy Birthday". This is totally wrong.....make ammends before it is too late.
It is never too late to turn over a new leaf....make amends in every way necessary.
Have a beautiful day people.
So on point
ReplyDeletemy story..
ReplyDeleteSome say love is the greatest thing that could happen to you but I personally feel it isn’t and it is not meant for everyone…
I am a middle aged married man with 3 kids. I met my wife about 13yrs ago and we eventually got married. It wasn’t love at first sight but we fell in love shortly after we met. We became so fond of each other and we seemed perfect for each other. We were pretty much the couple to envy because of the bond and “love” that we shared. Our friends always told us they wanted their relationship to be like ours and some would even come to us for advice. I really! Really! Really! Loved my wife and until recently, could have done anything for her, I mean anything. She had my undivided attention and love even though some family members didn’t want us to be together, I gave her the best I had to offer and I loved her more than I loved myself. As a child, I didn’t grow up in the perfect home and I have since been determined to make my kids grow up in a better home than I did but in life I have learnt that some things are really beyond our control no matter how hard we try.
My wife and I met while studying at the same university and we started dating shortly after we met. At the time, she was coming out of a broken relationship and I was single even though I had another girl that I was talking to (just talking to plainly speaking not today’s version of “talking-to”). We first became friends and it did not take long before she won my heart through her caring, loving and down to earth nature. She had everything I wanted in a lady, Smart, Real, Pretty, Intelligent and from a good home. She told me about how she’s been hurt by the few guys she dated in the past and how she wanted someone she could spend the rest of her life with but little did she know that I was even more thrilled to have her in my life. We built the relationship on love, trust, and being each other’s best friend. We shared everything in good and bad times; I told her everything about me and did not keep anything away from her. Looking back, I can’t say 100% that she did the same because of the lack of trust that I have for her now.
Earlier this year, I stumbled on an incriminating but disputable evidence on how she cheated on me 7years ago while I was job training in another country for 9 months. I confronted her about this and she said it wasn’t true and she even swore with a bible that she didn’t do anything. I later found out that the guy used to come to her house and they even went out on dates on several occasions without her telling me about this. Eventually I even found out that her family members knew the guy but I am still not sure if they knew about what was happening between them. Prior to me finding out that she cheated on me, there were other signs and things she said that suggested that I wasn’t the only guy that she’s “been” with in the past 13yrs which I overlooked because of my trust for her and me thinking my wife was not capable of doing anything to hurt me even if she was tempted, but I was wrong.
It’s not really common to find a guy that never for once cheated on his girlfriend/wife for so long. It’s very understandable these days for a man to cheat on his wife but the mistake here is that more women are equally guilty of this same act than people know. I remained faithful to my wife despite the free “offers” I received even while we weren’t together. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror or live with the guilty conscience. For 13years I remained faithful to someone that didn’t have the same level of discipline, I remained faithful to a woman that still look at me in the eye and tell all sorts of lies just to keep her marriage together (even though she is tearing it apart), I remained faithful to a woman that would wake up in the morning to read her bible but not doing what it preaches, I remained faithful to a woman that her conscience is so dead.
Contd….
ReplyDeleteMy message isn’t to scare or convict your spouse of cheating without knowing whether they did or not, Rather to just make you have a rethink and revaluation of your relationship. There are so many women and men out there that are going through the same thing and I am sure am not alone. I still wonder why a lady that felt the pain of being cheated on would inflict the same agony on the person she says she is in love with. Even though she is still living in denial and not wanting to accept that what she did is no longer a secret. It is very obvious she is more terrified about what could happen if those words came out from her own mouth.
As of today, I am still with her because of the kids and I think it would be selfish of me to make my kids go through the pain of a broken home. It’s better for me to be the only victim in this than make my kids have a terrible childhood because of one person’s actions. It is very hurtful whenever I think of it all because I really loved and trusted my wife. I was even willing to forgive her if she confessed and showed remorse but her continued denial is a sign of an unrepentant and heartless human being that does not deserve an iota of love, trust, or sympathy.
Now I believe love isn’t for everyone despite the fact that almost everyone is looking for love. People lose their sanity and some even do irrational things just because they can’t live with the betrayal from someone they once trusted with their own life. Love isn’t for the one that struggle to remain faithful and love isn’t also for the one that won’t be able move on in life should the unexpected happen. Love is only good while it is true.
I am touched by your story because I could sense how hurt you feel through your write-up. First of all, bottling this all up inside is very unhealthy for your marriage. I totally understand you deserve to know the truth and I would suggest that you provide a genuine atmosphere for her to come clean. Letting her know you would forgive her may not be enough assurance for her to want to tell you what she did.
DeleteCreate the atmosphere of a confession time where you would come clean first of some 'atrocities' you may have committed (even though you stated you have never cheated on her ) but of course you probably must have done something worthy of confessing. Let her know you love her and you won't love her any less if she did confess to you (mean what you say by not loving her less if she does confess). Let her know how much you want you both to come clean with each other. She probably would tell you what you need to know. Do not Make this a fighting situation even though it might be hard because one party is hurt.
Also, there are two sides to a coin.....there is also the side that she might have been telling you the truth all along. Maybe she didn't cheat on you, maybe you are just being paranoid. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Move past this and start a new chapter afresh
If you have made up your mind to keep your marriage do not do it only because of the kids alone (it means there is no more marriage, you are just playing your fatherly role)it is very important to put her feelings into consideration as well. As long as you feel the way you feel right now the chances that you are already acting cold towards her is high and that is unhealthy for her and for you. Do all you can to keep your home the envy of all eyes like it had always been. In life, the people who got your back is your family.....keep them as the best part of your life...
Lastly, prayer does alot of wonders. Prayers would do alot to help you get through this. I totally understand that you are hurting about this and i hope she will be able to make this right by taking the right steps.
All the best as you both get this resolved
Thanks for your response to my story. While I understand your point of view and your approach, I don’t quite agree with you. I am not a sexist and I try to analyze from both sides of the aisle. I am the victim in this instance and I shouldn’t have to be the one responsible for the soft landing. I have given her so many chances to come clean and that still won’t change. It is surely going to be a hard pill to swallow but if you truly love someone, you won’t keep lying to them. If for selfish reasons you find yourself constantly lying to your partner about something you did then you need to check again if you truly love that person or you are just with them for other reasons. If God says “tell each other your sins and ask for forgiveness” and you refuse to do that because you are afraid then its obvious that you are doubting God’s ability to touch the heart of the person you are confessing to. God won’t ask you to do things that he is not ready to see you through. We are not perfect, hence the Bible’s preaching to confess sins and forgive one another. If you have been in a relationship for such a long time, it’s not as difficult to tell when the other person is lying and struggling to back up their lies.
ReplyDeleteAlso about me possibly having secrets, there is nothing I haven’t told her. I may not have told her about certain things I did but eventually I did let her know and I never crossed the line. It’s also worth pointing out that not everyone in a relationship is hiding something like you were insinuating. Some are as open as a book and also understand that constant lying is not an option when you claim you are in love. As much as we pray to God to help us with certain challenges, God is also waiting on us to follow what he already said in his Holy Book.
I hope she will learn one or two things.
Thanks for your sincere response Tennyhola.
I totally understand that you are the victim here and you are hurt about the situation. Sorry if i sounded like a feminist by de-emphasizing on what she did....I did that on purpose because if i had kept on talking about how bad she has been it probably would have caused more harm than good.
DeleteIn life, i have learnt one thing: one lie always leads to millions of lies so the best is to nip it in the bud by saying the truth and being at peace with yourself. In a relationship - trust is totally important. If there is no trust then your partner is as good as a stranger. I just want her to come clean to you and then hope that you find it in your heart to forgive her.
Yes you were right the bible says in James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective".
My apologies, if it sounded like i was insinuating that you were also keeping secrets...I didnt mean it that way...it might just be something that didnt have to do with your marriage or your person that she didnt know about...I just wanted you to create an atmosphere for her to come clean. Let me give you an example "You have a teenage daughter who you suspect is having pre-marital sex....you definitely want to have a conversation about it but you wont get anything by questioning her and expecting to get answers....No! you throw in a bait about yourself as a child (definitely not having premarital sex)...your story lets her open up. By doing this you are making her know that you were once a kid eventhough you may not have acted exactly the same way she is doing"
The bottom line here is that you are hurting and you just got to let her know that she has to come clean.
I am not blaming you for been angry.....you are human....we are all human. All the best and i just hope and pray you both get this resolved
Thanks
ReplyDeletemadam tennyhola and d anonymous writer, u both sound intelligent. Believe me av learnt some tips too on how to keep a healthy marriage and avoid some stuff when i eventually get married. Thumbs up
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support.
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